The hunt.

I went to a Vijay movie today.

I really think, we've got him wrong. I mean, all we people who look at his movies like they're third grade nonsense. I really, truly think that the guy has talent. As in... some of his scenes... the walk... the towel-like thing around his neck, the choice of costume.... At some points, I was like, "Dude! This is almost a Rajini movie!".

At most other points in time, I was awake, and the nightmare was still unfolding.

People rarely ever review a Vijay movie because, well, you can't really talk about the story. These literary types, they like circumlocution. They these wordy, prolix articles that show off their vocabulary. Trust me on this one. So anyway, lets see what an average review would be.

Start Review
The movie was terrible. The heroine's dresses were shorter than this article.
End Review

But I shall be brave. I shall dare to do what no reviewer has done, go where no review has gone before. I shall try to think from the other side of the prism. The side where hordes of citizens crown him as the next superstar, where kids grow up to Dandanakara beats, where girls are taught to fall, fantasize and subsequently wed the most macho guy on the road. Who also helps old people cross the road, directs traffic, beats up Baddies and as a special holiday offer, comes toilet trained. I'm gonna write a favorable review for "Vettaikaaran".

Of course, I was just kidding.

The movie was terrible. It wasn't crude, just terrible. It wasn't amateurish, just terrible. It wasn't boring. Just. Plain. Terrible.

Highlights:

1. Everyone in the movie stammers. I can imagine them teaching their kids the alphabet. A..A...A...A for... Aaaaple! B...B...B...B for... Boooomb da! C...C for Come and get your ass kicked machan!
2. The heroine is like this tall, curvy, mannequin. She looks beautiful in some scenes, and terrible in others. The make-up people went berserk and gave her all 'looks' humanly possible. Poor thing... since she won't do another movie, might as well have fun in this one.
3. The heroine is from Alaska. So forgive her if she doesn't cover up.
4. Tamil Nadu hates Chemistry. I have company. How else would you describe this exchange when the hero inhales alcohol, lights a fire, blows, and sets the villian on fire. "Sir... He is no ordinary man... he is... he is something else!" You *BEEP*, he paid attention to chemistry class and you didn't!
5. When it ended.

I do believe, though, that there is some silver lining here. Vijay movies give me what, my friends who spurn sobriety, call the BUZZ. You feel, after coming out, that you can face anything in life. That you should enjoy, that the worst is behind you. That you will come face to face with the hounds of hell, look them in the eye, and utter, as thunder claps, the wind howls, fire crackles, the earth groans and the love your life watches you with awestruck, loving, "My man bigger biceps than yours and can fly" look...

Do..Do...Do your Worst da.... naaaaaaaaaye!